Monday, February 4, 2013

More Surgery, Please!!!

"Before" Status

It's obvious I have a lot in common with the women above. We're all hilarious, talented, and overachieve in the cartilage department – cartilaginously. Yes, dear reader. After a major surgery, having my jaws and chin sawed off and screwed back into my skull, after two years of braces, after nerve damage and a puree diet, guess what. I'm still a "before". Well, I'm on my way. I guess. But I've got a long way to go – facially. My breathing has improved. I'm told I snore maybe some, maybe infrequently – not bad. (I still need another sleep study.) And my face has improved. When I look at my "before-before" pictures I am not just a "before", I'm a buh-foooooore. I'm a "Who did this to you? Do you need an ambulance?" So, despite the fact that I still have mild post traumatic reactions to surgery on TV, I went to see my plastic surgeon, Dr. DeRosa, to talk about my rhinoplasty and septoplasty.

Office of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery

When you go to offices at the Massachusetts Eye and Ear (and, secretly, Nose) Infirmary, the offices are clean and nice and medical office-y. And I've been to MANY of them. But when you go into the Office of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery (or, OFPARS, as no one calls it), it is fancy. Even faaaaancyyyy. I met with Dr. DeRosa. There wasn't a harpist or passed hors d'oeuvres in the waiting room, but if there had been, I can't say I'd have been surprised. Canapé, reader?

Dr. DeRosa must keep meticulous notes in her chart because she picked up with our conversation from YEARS AGO. "You were just finishing graduate school and looking for a job." Whoa. That was a long time ago. Who am I kidding? She totally remembers me. We're going to be besties. BFFs. Go shopping, then brunch. (It could happen.) She's friendly, funny, and pretty. I like that she sort of tells you how it is. She said my nose is not "that bad" but she can improve my breathing and make it look better. She had them take a bunch of super close 9-megatrillion-pixel, high resolution, up-my-nose pictures. (Don't worry, reader, you'll see them. I know you're excited.) I'm glad I had the foresight to not shave, look disheveled, and get a skin rash from the cold, windy weather. You'll see my new "before" pictures look horrible. Then like an info-mercial I'll smile and wear make-up in the "afters". She said that she'd do some digital mock-ups of my potential future nose to give me an idea. Her goal is to "shave my bump" (not break any bones), fix my septum, decrease my flaring nostrils and make them symmetrical. Of course, I couldn't wait to take these befores and fix on my own nose with Photoshop. That's below too. If any of you want to Photoshop my nose and send it. I will have a contest. (Oh, no. I'm serious. That's just too tempting.)

Before... Still

You love my nostrils, don't you reader? They remind you of John Travolta, hip jutting to the side, in a white suit, with his pointed-finger angled over his head. I make "diagonal" cool. True, reader. Wow, you are perceptive. And thank you.

Below (left) is my current dorsal-humped handsomeness. Then (right), you can see the fake nose I put on myself. I have to admit. I like it. Here are the breakdown of costs. After the part insurance covers, I pay:

Surgeon's Fee: $2,500
Anesthesiologist fee: $630
Hospital fees: $1,000
TOTAL: $4130

I'll have a tiny scar, 7 days with a cast on my nose (and presumably tiny crutch), swelling for a few months. What do you think, reader?

I'm not sure, but I think I can have a woman "shave my bump" for closer to $50 if I know where to look. I'll keep you informed.

1 comment:

  1. OMG, so wrong yet so funny!
    And if you DO find someone to "shave your bump" for a bargain, please DON'T inform us. Prostitution by proxy is something I just can't swallow, Um I mean handle, errr, never mind.